But I'm soooo tired of carrying this diaper bag....

Potty learning is a tough issue to be patient about. I remember asking myself how many more diapers I could change in my life, especially as my third child was getting ready for preschool. Reminding myself that children are natural learners and that learning to use the toilet is equally as important to them as all the other things they are learning, filled my well of patience. I promise that your child will figure out how to use the toilet  long before they go to kindergarten—though if you're struggling with a high level of disinterest-I’m sure you’re wondering if they’ll figure it out before high school! So, here’s my take on dealing with the persistent dream of a diaper free household.

One thing is for certain, only a child can decide when the time for toilet learning has come. Any pressure families may feel from relatives, helpful friends or their own fatigue with changing diapers had better be disregarded. It’s got to be the child’s achievement, not yours. Children are in absolute control of two things- what goes in their mouths and what comes out the other end. I’m afraid that any pressure for the child to comply in either of these areas will land you in a battle of the wills that’s un-winnable and ultimately unhealthy. If you’re going to avoid the pitfalls surrounding this hot topic you have to let your child determine the course of this transition.

Learning to use the toilet is a milestone in development just like a first step, a first word, alternating feet when going up stairs… You wouldn’t dream of handing out M&M’s to encourage these milestones any more than you would punish a child or take away a privilege if they didn’t achieve them when you wanted them to. We seem to know intuitively that children want to learn these things and will learn to do them as soon as they are able.

Why then, do we feel such a strong urge to push them to succeed at the equally difficult task of learning to use the toilet before they are ready? Yes, yes I know, diapers are expensive, changing diapers is smelly dirty work, getting your preschooler to lie still while you change the diaper is a feat in multi-handedness… but these inconveniences are equal to the ones you faced when your child couldn’t walk, (You carried them everywhere, and oh boy, those eight month olds in car seats are a quite a load), and couldn’t talk. (What do they want? Why are they crying?) We seem to have a much harder time conjuring respect for the struggle of learning to use the toilet than we had for these other developmental milestones. We seem to think that a child is choosing to stay in a diaper, not that they aren’t ready to use the toilet.

I can’t beat this drum loud enough—learning to use the toilet is equally as difficult as learning to walk and requires that the body and mind of the child to be developmentally able to do many varied tasks before the milestone can be managed with ease. Your child wants to learn to use the toilet and they will use the toilet as soon as they are really able AND as long as your desire for them to do it before they are ready, doesn’t turn this milestone into a power struggle.

Check out the complex skills that are needed to move from diaper to bathroom:

1. I have to understand what my bladder/bowels feel like when they are full… and be able to translate that feeling into an action.
2. I have to understand when the message my bladder is sending me is urgent enough to walk away from the fun I’m having, and to realize it before it’s so urgent that it’s already too late to get to the toilet in time.
3. I have to be able to be able to unbutton, unzip and pull down my pants. (And quickly if I’ve misjudged #2!)
4. I have to be able to climb on the toilet by myself, reach the toilet paper and have the coordination to pull it out, tear it off and fold it or bunch it in such a way as to wipe myself.

Let’s see, we’ve got large muscle, small muscle and cognitive skills listed there and lots of them. I hope this shows clearly that learning to use the toilet independently involves many areas of growth and development that the child has no volitional control over. I think it's clear that learning to use the toilet is not a matter of choice. The urge to learn to use the toilet, is just as powerful an urge as learning to hold their own fork and cup… how many times do you hear them say, “I want to do it myself!” in a week?.

So now that I’ve told you to cool your heels and wait, what if anything can you do? Here are some good places to start:

1. I always suggest watching for signs of interest. Do they ask about the potty? Do they want to know what you’re doing in there? Do they talk about their friends potty behaviors? When they ask questions like these, answer with enthusiasm and support. Try to be encouraging, but not invested. Remind them that you know they’ll use the potty just like you and their friends do, as soon as they are ready.

2. Watch for signs of discomfort with a loaded diaper. Chat about how that must not feel so great, and boy won’t it feel better when they decide to use the potty just like the rest of the family does and how great that will be-- as soon as they are ready.

3. On a practical note I found it useful to have a potty chair with steps that allows easier access to the toilet. An example of the kind I think works best is here: Toilet Seat Chair with Steps. A step stool can do nearly the same job and you probably have one handy. You can put it in the bathroom and tell your child that the stool is there for them so that they can get to the toilet comfortably—as soon as they are ready. I do not recommend a separate potty chair. It’s yucky to clean and then you have to transition them from that to the toilet- it just adds an additional step. I think that a big motivation for kids and the potty is the consistent urge that kids have to be just like the other members of their family, using the same toilet that you do, can help support this transition.

4. Remind yourself that MOST children are not using the toilet independently until at least three plus a little bit, and often not until closer to age four. Read that again--MOST. "Independently" is the operative word in that sentence. This means they go to the bathroom, with out prompting and can complete the challenging tasks necessary on their own. It's normal for our young preschoolers not to have any interest... in fact developmentally we would expect this. Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone and that your child will indeed some day have great interest in using the toilet and that, if left to his/her own timeline, will most likely go from no potty interest to full skill set in less than a week!

Whew! I’ll stop here and say that I know this is difficult. You want them to be potty trained; life would be so much easier. But hang in there! The time will come, sooner than you think, when your child will be going to the bathroom independently. It’s hard to trust in the natural urge toward self sufficiency that is in each child. If you can have patience, if you can treat this as an opportunity to support the natural development of your child on their own time line, then potty learning can be just another amazing part of watching them grow. Think back to the joy you took in witnessing first steps and first words. And then remember the encouraging words that flowed so easily from you at those times. If you can manage to transfer even a small amount of that same good will and joy to this process, than I promise your well of patience will be replenished

Encouraging Cooperation At Bedtime

Bedtime is tricky for everyone. It's important to recognize that the biggest factor in a calm bedtime is routine. Let's say it together... R-O-U-T-I-N-E! This means that you have to decide what routine you'd like and then you have to stick to it- even on weekends or when other things are wonky at your house. If the bedtime routine starts at 8:00 with a bath, than without fail you have to get to the tub at 8:00! This is just one more opportunity to take the time to consciously set limits at your house. Children can follow a rule, or a routine in this case, if they know what it is.

So, if you're tired of hearing: "Just one more story... pleeeease" or "I'm dying of thirst I need a glass of water!" or "I have to go potty!" I promise that there's hope. Here are some practical suggestions for instituting some changes to your nighttime routine.

Begin your new routine by setting a consistent bedtime time. Children should consistently go to bed at the same time every night. As I said earlier, this means even on the weekends! Be sure to never vary bedtime by more than one hour a night or a total of two hours for the entire weekend.

Next, set a consistent bedtime routine. Create a consistent bedtime ritual —in a predictable calming environment that serves as a bridge between the excitement of daytime and the restful quiet of nighttime. A bath, low lights, a few quiet stories, a bit of snuggle time and then a good night song can go a long way in preparing your child's brain for sleep.

Then, be sure to share this information with your child. A concrete way to do this is to create a bedtime routine chart like this one, that I found on the Positive Discipline website:



Simply take some pictures of your child while they get ready for bed one evening and then put them together for the chart. The chart is a great way to help you in practicing your new encouraging cooperation skills! You can describe the bedtime routine, you can give information by pointing at one of the photos on chart. You can say it with a word, "Teeth!" You can talk about your feelings, "It's a pleasure to know that we can both look at the bedtime chart and know what to do next." And the chart is a note that you only have to write once, but that you can read together everyday.

If this still doesn't work, it may be time to do some additional reading. I suggest starting with, "The No Cry Sleep Solution" and "The Floppy Sleep Game Book" for you and "The Floppy Sleep Game" music CD for your child, which teaches children some relaxation techniques.

Change is hard. We generally only commit to it when not changing is even harder. I can promise you that if you commit to this change, and really stick with it, your house will be a place of peace in the evenings in a few short weeks. And there is no better way to improve your parenting skills than to be the beneficiary of a good night's sleep.

Resources on Normal Child Development

At the last meeting we talked about how important it is to have a good working knowledge of child development when setting our expectations for our child's behavior. Here is a link to the University of Michigan website:
University of Michigan Developmental Milestones
Scroll down to the Normal Development header and then click on the age that you're interested in reading about.

You can always ask your teacher for a copy of the Active Learning brochures that Gretchen's House has created as well!

Love means never having to say you're sorry...

Should we force our children to apologize after they have transgressed? (I'll bet you can guess where I'm going with this since I used the word force in the question!) The answer lies in remembering that an apology is just a tool. What we really want for our children to understand is, how to make amends when they have transgressed. So how best to go about this?

Forcing an apology never feels good to anyone... it's hard to feel like we're having a positive interaction with our child as we stand over them saying, "Tell Joey you're sorry!" This is one of those times when the list of what we ultimately want for our children, can be a helpful guide. Teaching children to be insincere isn't anywhere on the list... and rest assured that when we force children to say they are sorry, when they clearly aren't, we're teaching them just that.

What we would like to teach our children, is how to be empathetic, able problem solvers. So, the insincere apology as a teaching tool for young children isn't an especially good one. The question then, is how to teach empathy and problem solving when our children make a mistake? One tool we can use is the well placed question. We can simply ask our child, "How might you make this better?" This prompts our child to think, "How does that person feel?" and "What can I do about it?" Wo hoo! Two parenting goals, one question!

A second very powerful tool to help children learn how to say they are sorry, is... to model it ourselves. Apologize to people when the kids are listening. This can be as simple as apologizing for bumping in to someone in the grocery store, to as challenging as apologizing to your spouse when you forget to take out the garbage.

I've said it before, (See my post below from March 21, 2009) and I'll say it again, the list of what we want for our children is invaluable to me when I come across these sorts of questions. Even when, especially when, the question seems like I should already know the answer.

For additional reading try this article I found online at: http://www.slate.com/id/2182349/

This is hard stuff...

During our first session we talked a bit about how difficult it can be to think about changing the way we interact and communicate with our children. Both groups brainstormed a great list of all the traits that we hope our children possess as adults. The list included traits like: Independence, good communication skills, thoughtfulness and respect for others. We can encourage the growth of these traits both through how we talk to our children as well as through how we behave ourselves. It is in that light that I like to think about the session on alternatives to punishment and problem solving. If we can use calm, firm language when we talk to our children about altering their behavior, they see us handle frustration and anger in a way that they can internalize themselves. When we communicate and problem solve together when there is trouble between us, they begin to internalize that skill.

This doesn’t mean we’ll never yell or get angry, life does that to us sometimes… the important thing to remember is that no matter how angry we get with our kids, what will stick with them is how we act after the strong emotion passes. When we can tell our child: “Wow! That really upset me and I lost my cool, but now I’m wondering what we can do about this problem.” We send so many messages that will support our long term goals for who we want them to be as adults.

First, of course, is the message that when we have differences with the people we love, we talk about what happened in a way that respects both of us. (This speaks to the traits of thoughtfulness and respect for others.) Second, we send the message that they themselves, are capable of helping to solve the problems that confront them. (This speaks to the traits of independence and good communication skills.)

It is not an easy thing to do. It’s not easy to admit that we might have been wrong by reacting so strongly. It’s not easy to trust that our child won’t take advantage of us if we talk about our feelings and ask them for solutions. It’s not easy to change the way we deal with our own feelings of frustration and anger. So, give yourself a break, this is hard stuff...but I think you'll agree, it's worth it.

Where are we going?

There is no magic single answer for what to do in any parenting situation,
there are only things to try,
and try again,
and again.

So, how do we choose which things to try?
Guide posts. Obviously not those funny blue things over there, but the internal guideposts you create for yourself as a parent. I've found having my own set of them exceptionally helpful as I try to figure out just where is it that I'm going.

The first guidepost I rely on is this: What can I do, right now, to help my child become the best adult version of himself he can be? This guides my on the spot thinking for picking my tone and words on the fly.
The second guidepost I rely on is this: What is my underlying philosophy of parenting... ? This is that important decision I make that says, "This is the kind of parent I want to be, this is how I want my child to think of me, when he remembers what it was like to grow up in my house."

The tip sheets that I've shared with you--the first about acknowledging feelings and the second about encouraging cooperation-- have some new strategies to use in your interactions with your child. Decide if they support the development of the attributes you hope your child will have as an adult and your underlying philosophy of parenting. If they do, it can make trying them out just a little easier. A little awkwardness now, a little discomfort, will seem worth it, if you can focus on the adult they will become and the parent you want to be.

So take the time to make yourself some guideposts... they'll get you where you'd like to go.