sess as adults. The list included traits like: Independence, good communication skills, thoughtfulness and respect for others. We can encourage the growth of these traits both through how we talk to our children as well as through how we behave ourselves. It is in that light that I like to think about the session on alternatives to punishment and problem solving. If we can use calm, firm language when we talk to our children about altering their behavior, they see us handle frustration and anger in a way that they can internalize themselves. When we communicate and problem solve together when there is trouble between us, they begin to internalize that skill.This doesn’t mean we’ll never yell or get angry, life does that to us sometimes… the important thing to remember is that no matter how angry we get with our kids, what will stick with them is how we act after the strong emotion passes. When we can tell our child: “Wow! That really upset me and I lost my cool, but now I’m wondering what we can do about this problem.” We send so many messages that will support our long term goals for who we want them to be as adults.
First, of course, is the message that when we have differences with the people we love, we talk about what happened in a way that respects both of us. (This speaks to the traits of thoughtfulness and respect for others.) Second, we send the message that they themselves, are capable of helping to solve the problems that confront them. (This speaks to the traits of independence and good communication skills.)
It is not an easy thing to do. It’s not easy to admit that we might have been wrong by reacting so strongly. It’s not easy to trust that our child won’t take advantage of us if we talk about our feelings and ask them for solutions. It’s not easy to change the way we deal with our own feelings of frustration and anger. So, give yourself a break, this is hard stuff...but I think you'll agree, it's worth it.
Hi Beth -
ReplyDeleteI realized a few days after the last session that we primarily talked about alternatives to punishment for relatively minor issues (like not picking up toys or acting up at the grocery store), but we never really addressed appropriate mgmt/punishment for when something more serious happens, like the child breaks one of your 3 rules (don't hurt yourself, others, or things). What are your thoughts in that situation? Thanks!
Hi Mary,
ReplyDeleteAs hard as it may seem to believe, the tactics are the same. In a circumstance where they have broken a house rule like hitting a sibling, you could: Express strong disapproval-"The rule at our house is that we don't hurt each other. I don't like it when hands are used instead of words!" or you can state your expectations-"I expect when you get angry that you'll use words and not hands!" or you can give a choice-"You can find a way to work this out with words or choose to play somewhere else." or you can take action- as you take one child into a different room, "I see you're choosing to play in a different room. You're still having a hard time using your words."
I also think it can be helpful to look at the list of alternatives to punishment, then ponder how each of them might be applied to common issues that you have at your house. Think of it like practicing a new script...
Feel free to shoot me a scenario if you get stuck on how to use one of the strategies.