It can be surprising to think that two of our most powerful tools for dealing with tantrums and emotional outbursts are simply -acknowledging feelings and genuine, caring, listening.
When my oldest daughter had chronic strep throat as a first grader, each time we got into the car to head to the doctor's office, she would begin to cry and carry on about how much it hurt to get her throat swabbed. She would beg me not to make her do it. I would respond in what I thought were helpful ways:
“Oh, honey it’s not that bad.”
“It’s over before you know it; just close your eyes for goodness sake.”
“Really, you’re getting yourself worked up over something that’s not that big of a deal.”
“Oh honey, you know this is important. The doctor has to do this or he won’t know what’s making you sick. You want your throat to stop hurting right? Well, then, we have to get your throat swabbed.”
You can imagine how persuasive all of these comments were. The more I explained, lectured and denied her feelings the more she committed to convincing me that this was the worst possible thing that was going to ever happen to her. By the fourth trip to the doctor it took me and two very strong nurses to hold her down for the throat swabbing...and a good time was had by all!
While preparing for a new series of parent workshops, I re-read the "Dealing with Children's Feelings" tip sheet from How to Talk So Kids Will Listen. To help children deal with their strong feelings you can-
1. Identify the child's feelings
2. Acknowledge the feelings with a word.
3. Give the child in fantasy what you can't give them in reality.
4. Accept the child's feelings even as you stop unacceptable behavior.
I had failed to use any of these strategies on our last visit, but since the strep throat was chronic (did I mention that we were at the doctor four times in three months?) I felt certain I would get another opportunity to try again soon. I never worry too much about feeling some interaction didn’t go well, I always get another chance. Two weeks later, here we were on our way to the doctor again. My daughter begins the usual screaming and carrying on. It's clear that if I don't try something different we will need three nurses this time.
Me: “Wow. You’re really upset about having to go back to the doctor. You really hate getting your throat swabbed!”
DD: “Yeah, it hurts! It really, really hurts!”
Me: “Ouch!”
DD: “Yeah, I hate it. I gag every time. It’s yucky.”
Me: “Gagging feels awful.”
DD: “And that one nurse is the worst. She really pokes me. It always hurts more when she does it.”
Me: “So, you don’t like it when that one nurse is the one to swab your throat.”
DD: “No. Do you think Dr. Dayton could do it instead of her?”
Me: “Sure. Would that make it easier for you?”
DD: “Maybe. You know what else would make it easier?”
Me: “Mm, mm.”
DD: “It would be easier if I could sit on your lap and you would cover my eyes.”
Me: “So, let’s see if I’ve got this right. If Dr. Dayton does the swabbing, and you sit on my lap and I cover your eyes, that would make it easier?”
DD: “Yeah. It’s still going to hurt though.”
Me: “Swabbing already sore tonsils. Ouch.”
DD: Silent. No tears. No crying.
And that was that. No screaming, no nurses, just me and Dr. Dayton.
The power of empathy. Try it at your house.
