Resources on Normal Child Development

At the last meeting we talked about how important it is to have a good working knowledge of child development when setting our expectations for our child's behavior. Here is a link to the University of Michigan website:
University of Michigan Developmental Milestones
Scroll down to the Normal Development header and then click on the age that you're interested in reading about.

You can always ask your teacher for a copy of the Active Learning brochures that Gretchen's House has created as well!

Love means never having to say you're sorry...

Should we force our children to apologize after they have transgressed? (I'll bet you can guess where I'm going with this since I used the word force in the question!) The answer lies in remembering that an apology is just a tool. What we really want for our children to understand is, how to make amends when they have transgressed. So how best to go about this?

Forcing an apology never feels good to anyone... it's hard to feel like we're having a positive interaction with our child as we stand over them saying, "Tell Joey you're sorry!" This is one of those times when the list of what we ultimately want for our children, can be a helpful guide. Teaching children to be insincere isn't anywhere on the list... and rest assured that when we force children to say they are sorry, when they clearly aren't, we're teaching them just that.

What we would like to teach our children, is how to be empathetic, able problem solvers. So, the insincere apology as a teaching tool for young children isn't an especially good one. The question then, is how to teach empathy and problem solving when our children make a mistake? One tool we can use is the well placed question. We can simply ask our child, "How might you make this better?" This prompts our child to think, "How does that person feel?" and "What can I do about it?" Wo hoo! Two parenting goals, one question!

A second very powerful tool to help children learn how to say they are sorry, is... to model it ourselves. Apologize to people when the kids are listening. This can be as simple as apologizing for bumping in to someone in the grocery store, to as challenging as apologizing to your spouse when you forget to take out the garbage.

I've said it before, (See my post below from March 21, 2009) and I'll say it again, the list of what we want for our children is invaluable to me when I come across these sorts of questions. Even when, especially when, the question seems like I should already know the answer.

For additional reading try this article I found online at: http://www.slate.com/id/2182349/

Some Useful Links...

All the workshops are at least partially influenced by the work and writing of Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish through their How to Talk Series and Jim Fay through his Love and Logic Series. You can find both of them on the web at: http://www.loveandlogic.com/, or http://www.fabermazlish.com/. You can even sign up to get tips in your inbox from the Love and Logic website. Both sites are chock full of great resources and ideas.

This is hard stuff...

During our first session we talked a bit about how difficult it can be to think about changing the way we interact and communicate with our children. Both groups brainstormed a great list of all the traits that we hope our children possess as adults. The list included traits like: Independence, good communication skills, thoughtfulness and respect for others. We can encourage the growth of these traits both through how we talk to our children as well as through how we behave ourselves. It is in that light that I like to think about the session on alternatives to punishment and problem solving. If we can use calm, firm language when we talk to our children about altering their behavior, they see us handle frustration and anger in a way that they can internalize themselves. When we communicate and problem solve together when there is trouble between us, they begin to internalize that skill.

This doesn’t mean we’ll never yell or get angry, life does that to us sometimes… the important thing to remember is that no matter how angry we get with our kids, what will stick with them is how we act after the strong emotion passes. When we can tell our child: “Wow! That really upset me and I lost my cool, but now I’m wondering what we can do about this problem.” We send so many messages that will support our long term goals for who we want them to be as adults.

First, of course, is the message that when we have differences with the people we love, we talk about what happened in a way that respects both of us. (This speaks to the traits of thoughtfulness and respect for others.) Second, we send the message that they themselves, are capable of helping to solve the problems that confront them. (This speaks to the traits of independence and good communication skills.)

It is not an easy thing to do. It’s not easy to admit that we might have been wrong by reacting so strongly. It’s not easy to trust that our child won’t take advantage of us if we talk about our feelings and ask them for solutions. It’s not easy to change the way we deal with our own feelings of frustration and anger. So, give yourself a break, this is hard stuff...but I think you'll agree, it's worth it.

Where are we going?

There is no magic single answer for what to do in any parenting situation,
there are only things to try,
and try again,
and again.

So, how do we choose which things to try?
Guide posts. Obviously not those funny blue things over there, but the internal guideposts you create for yourself as a parent. I've found having my own set of them exceptionally helpful as I try to figure out just where is it that I'm going.

The first guidepost I rely on is this: What can I do, right now, to help my child become the best adult version of himself he can be? This guides my on the spot thinking for picking my tone and words on the fly.
The second guidepost I rely on is this: What is my underlying philosophy of parenting... ? This is that important decision I make that says, "This is the kind of parent I want to be, this is how I want my child to think of me, when he remembers what it was like to grow up in my house."

The tip sheets that I've shared with you--the first about acknowledging feelings and the second about encouraging cooperation-- have some new strategies to use in your interactions with your child. Decide if they support the development of the attributes you hope your child will have as an adult and your underlying philosophy of parenting. If they do, it can make trying them out just a little easier. A little awkwardness now, a little discomfort, will seem worth it, if you can focus on the adult they will become and the parent you want to be.

So take the time to make yourself some guideposts... they'll get you where you'd like to go.

Welcome!

Thanks for your interest in Gretchen's House Parent Workshops. We hope this forum will be a useful tool to follow-up on unanswered questions and help guide our planning for future parent events.

We've placed a poll for future workshops inthe right sidebar. If you'd like to suggest additional topics, please list them in the comments on this welcome post.