Should we force our children to apologize after they have transgressed? (I'll bet you can guess where I'm going with this since I used the word force in the question!) The answer lies in remembering that an apology is just a tool. What we really want for our children to understand is, how to make amends when they have transgressed. So how best to go about this?Forcing an apology never feels good to anyone... it's hard to feel like we're having a positive interaction with our child as we stand over them saying, "Tell Joey you're sorry!" This is one of those times when the list of what we ultimately want for our children, can be a helpful guide. Teaching children to be insincere isn't anywhere on the list... and rest assured that when we force children to say they are sorry, when they clearly aren't, we're teaching them just that.
What we would like to teach our children, is how to be empathetic, able problem solvers. So, the insincere apology as a teaching tool for young children isn't an especially good one. The question then, is how to teach empathy and problem solving when our children make a mistake? One tool we can use is the well placed question. We can simply ask our child, "How might you make this better?" This prompts our child to think, "How does that person feel?" and "What can I do about it?" Wo hoo! Two parenting goals, one question!
A second very powerful tool to help children learn how to say they are sorry, is... to model it ourselves. Apologize to people when the kids are listening. This can be as simple as apologizing for bumping in to someone in the grocery store, to as challenging as apologizing to your spouse when you forget to take out the garbage.
I've said it before, (See my post below from March 21, 2009) and I'll say it again, the list of what we want for our children is invaluable to me when I come across these sorts of questions. Even when, especially when, the question seems like I should already know the answer.
For additional reading try this article I found online at: http://www.slate.com/id/2182349/
A second very powerful tool to help children learn how to say they are sorry, is... to model it ourselves. Apologize to people when the kids are listening. This can be as simple as apologizing for bumping in to someone in the grocery store, to as challenging as apologizing to your spouse when you forget to take out the garbage.
I've said it before, (See my post below from March 21, 2009) and I'll say it again, the list of what we want for our children is invaluable to me when I come across these sorts of questions. Even when, especially when, the question seems like I should already know the answer.
For additional reading try this article I found online at: http://www.slate.com/id/2182349/
