Parent Workshops on Hiatus!

We'll start up the new season of workshops late this fall. Watch your GH newsletter and center bulletin boards for new dates. In the meantime you may want to visit the following websites: http://www.loveandlogic.com/, or http://www.fabermazlish.com/. You can even sign up to get tips in your inbox from the Love and Logic website. Both sites are chock full of great resources and ideas. See you this fall!

This is hard stuff...

During our first session we talked a bit about how difficult it can be to think about changing the way we interact and communicate with our children. Both groups brainstormed a great list of all the traits that we hope our children possess as adults. The list included traits like: Independence, good communication skills, thoughtfulness and respect for others. We can encourage the growth of these traits both through how we talk to our children as well as through how we behave ourselves. It is in that light that I like to think about the session on alternatives to punishment and problem solving. If we can use calm, firm language when we talk to our children about altering their behavior, they see us handle frustration and anger in a way that they can internalize themselves. When we communicate and problem solve together when there is trouble between us, they begin to internalize that skill.

This doesn’t mean we’ll never yell or get angry, life does that to us sometimes… the important thing to remember is that no matter how angry we get with our kids, what will stick with them is how we act after the strong emotion passes. When we can tell our child: “Wow! That really upset me and I lost my cool, but now I’m wondering what we can do about this problem.” We send so many messages that will support our long term goals for who we want them to be as adults.

First, of course, is the message that when we have differences with the people we love, we talk about what happened in a way that respects both of us. (This speaks to the traits of thoughtfulness and respect for others.) Second, we send the message that they themselves, are capable of helping to solve the problems that confront them. (This speaks to the traits of independence and good communication skills.)

It is not an easy thing to do. It’s not easy to admit that we might have been wrong by reacting so strongly. It’s not easy to trust that our child won’t take advantage of us if we talk about our feelings and ask them for solutions. It’s not easy to change the way we deal with our own feelings of frustration and anger. So, give yourself a break, this is hard stuff...but I think you'll agree, it's worth it.

Where are we going?

There is no magic single answer for what to do in any parenting situation,
there are only things to try,
and try again,
and again.

So, how do we choose which things to try?
Guide posts. Obviously not those funny blue things over there, but the internal guideposts you create for yourself as a parent. I've found having my own set of them exceptionally helpful as I try to figure out just where is it that I'm going.

The first guidepost I rely on is this: What can I do, right now, to help my child become the best adult version of himself he can be? This guides my on the spot thinking for picking my tone and words on the fly.
The second guidepost I rely on is this: What is my underlying philosophy of parenting... ? This is that important decision I make that says, "This is the kind of parent I want to be, this is how I want my child to think of me, when he remembers what it was like to grow up in my house."

The tip sheets that I've shared with you--the first about acknowledging feelings and the second about encouraging cooperation-- have some new strategies to use in your interactions with your child. Decide if they support the development of the attributes you hope your child will have as an adult and your underlying philosophy of parenting. If they do, it can make trying them out just a little easier. A little awkwardness now, a little discomfort, will seem worth it, if you can focus on the adult they will become and the parent you want to be.

So take the time to make yourself some guideposts... they'll get you where you'd like to go.

Who knew strep throat could be a learning experience?

Welcome to the GH Parent Workshop Forum! Please feel free to comment, ask a question or tell a story of your own. I'll be contributing my favorite stories and doing some problem solving as requested!

This week we talked about the importance of adding acknowledging feelings and listening to your parenting toolbox. I faced a problem similar to the role play that you were kind enough to participate in, (Thanks for taking that leap of faith with me!), when my oldest daughter had chronic strep throat as a first grader. Each time we got into the car to head to the Dr's. office she would begin to cry and carry on about how much it hurt to get her throat swabbed. She would beg me not to make her do it. I would respond in what I thought were helpful ways:
“Oh, honey it’s not that bad.”
“It’s over before you know it; just close your eyes for goodness sakes.”
“Really, you’re getting yourself worked up over something that’s not that big of a deal.”
“Come on H., you know this is important. The doctor has to do this or he won’t know what’s making you sick. You want your throat to stop hurting right? Well, than we have to get your throat swabbed.”

You can imagine how persuasive all of these comments were. The more I explained, lectured and denied her feelings the more she committed to convincing me that this was the worst possible thing that was going to ever happen to her. By the fourth trip to the doctor it took two nurses and me to hold her down for the throat swabbing and I imagine the scream she let out during this process is still legendary among the office staff.

Then I re-read the "Dealing with Children's Feelings" tip sheet (In your I want to live on your refrigerator handout...) from How to Talk So Kids Will Listen. I tried not to feel too crummy about forgetting all those communication skills while I waited for my next chance to use them. (As I said, I never worry too much about feeling some interaction didn’t go well, I always get another chance to try something different!) Two weeks later here we were on our way to the doctor again. H. begins the usual screaming and carrying on, and I’m thinking we might need three nurses this time. I figured I had nothing to lose by trying some of the skills from the tip sheet sheet. Here’s how our conversation went this time:

Me: “Wow. You’re really upset about having to go back to the doctor. You really hate getting your throat swabbed!”
H: “Yeah, it hurts! It really, really hurts!”
Me: “Ouch!”
H: “Yeah, I hate it. I gag every time. It’s yucky.”
Me: “Boy, that's bad.”
H: “And that one nurse is the worst. She really pokes me. It always hurts more when she does it.”
Me: “So, you don’t like it when that one nurse is the one to swab your throat.”
H: “No. Do you think Dr. D could do it instead of her?”
Me: “Sure. Would that make it easier for you?”
H: “I guess so. You know what else would make it easier?”
Me: “Mm, mm.”
H: “It would be easier if I could sit on your lap and you would cover my eyes.”
Me: “So, let’s see if I’ve got this right. If Dr. D does the swabbing, and you sit on my lap and I cover your eyes, than that would make it easier?”
H: “Yeah. It’s still going to hurt though.”
Me: “Swabbing already sore tonsils. Ouch.”
H: Silent. No tears. No crying.

And that was that. No screaming, no nurses, just me and Dr. D.
The power of empathy. Try it at your house.

I'm looking forward to seeing all of you the week of March 16.

Welcome!

Thanks for your interest in Gretchen's House Parent Workshops. We hope this forum will be a useful tool to follow-up on unanswered questions and help guide our planning for future parent events.

We've placed a poll for future workshops inthe right sidebar. If you'd like to suggest additional topics, please list them in the comments on this welcome post.